Delftsman

THE LEGLESS PARROT

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot
sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet
or legs. The guy says aloud, "Geesh, I wonder what
happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot responds, "I was born this way. I'm a
defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy says. "You actually understood
and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be
a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this; how do
you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

The parrot responds, "Well, this is very
embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie
around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't
see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and
speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I
can converse with reasonable competence on almost
any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You
really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I
just can't afford that."

"Pssst", said the parrot, "truth is, nobody wants me
cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me
for $20, just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers
$20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a
great sense of humor. He's interesting. He's a great
pal. He understands everything. He sympathizes. He's
insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot
goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with
one wing. I don't know if I should tell you this or
not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your
wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black
nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" The guy asks incredulously. "THEN what
happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and put
his hands under her nightie and began petting her
all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, began to kiss her
all over, starting with her breasts and slowly...."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my
perch."