December 01, 2005


Christmas is the4 time of year that we're supposed to reflect on the events of the last year and give thanks for out many blessings. Here's just a few thanks for some people that E-mail me from time to time:

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat droppings in the
glue on envelopes cause I now have to get a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason. I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send
me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me
feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could
be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking passenger along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favor!

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I
can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks for always correcting me with "gotchas" from "Snopes" who
knows it all. Thanks to you, I am totally in the know.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....IF YOU CAN !

Posted by Delftsman3 at December 1, 2005 10:29 PM | TrackBack

Well, at least you don't know that the Dep of Agriculture has a very very small tolerance for rat shit in grain that is ground for food in the USA. Then there is the other very very small tolerance for insect parts that get ground up also. I am so glad the the Dep of Ag is on the ball! Good thing i have blood sigar problems and never eat bread and pasta. Damn.

Posted by: GUYK at December 1, 2005 10:43 PM

And don't forget to never take your beloved dog with you to the neighborhood Chinese restaurant and ask the owners to take him into the kitchen and feed him scraps...

Posted by: Eirik at December 2, 2005 07:39 AM
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