I got a call from Delfts this morning letting me know that he may be released on Thursday. His spirits were not good, and honestly I can hardly blame him for that. It's a kick in the teeth to finally admit that a total lifestyle change is in order, especially when one's spouse can be a raving lunatic. It is also very sobering to find out that the disease he has is chronic, cumulative, and typically runs its course in 5 years. If you're lucky.
No salt.
No cigarettes.
No fats.
No caffine.
No lazy days spent entirely either in bed or at the computer.
No excuses.
He will make these changes, or he will die, simple as that.
My submissive, michael, suggested that I get some brochures and ask him go ahead and pick out his urn now in the hopes it will sink in that this is no longer a matter of mind over matter or willing one's self to be well in spite of one's behaviors, not that it ever truly was. Sounds cruel. Sounds tough. Maybe that is what is called for.
Honestly, I do not know what to do.
One thing is for certain, I have made sure that no longer will there be beef in abundance, unfettered use of salt, or rich foods in the house. Gone are the days of bringing in a half pound of 3yr old cheese that should have lasted for a very long time, even when shared by 4 adults, only to find it all gone the next day with nothing remaining but the wax rind on the floor in front of the television. And the days of going to the refrigerator to get a roasted chicken to make dinner and finding nothing but a plastic container of bones and scraps. And the days of bringing home sacks of White Castles. And the days of going to a nice restaurant and ordering the entire menu.
No more "Competitive Eating" as michael has so aptly described it.
So now in anticipation of Delfts' arrival home tomorrow, jane is vacuuming and cleaning and setting up his area in the family room so that he will be comfortable. When I get home from work tonight, we are going to pitch in together to clear out his computer desk area. Then I will go through the kitchen and hide everything that he cannot have. michael and jane have already agreed to keep any Blacklisted Foods that they buy for themselves in their room, and I have a small refrigerator to put in there so that they can.
I know he's extremely frustrated right now, a lot of it with me. I did not visit him for as long or as often as he wanted. Nor did I bring snacks and drinks, or sit and baby him like I have done in the past. I was not the loving and doting wife who plumped pillows and slept in a chair until 3am in case he needed a sip of water or a steadying hand to help him to the bathroom. I didn't because I couldn't.
I just wasn't able to emotionally. There is just too much anger and hurt right now, knowing that other than the waiting, he has ultimately succeeded in his passive suicide. There is too much betrayal from the belief that our marriage and our daughter were not good enough for him to want to make the changes he should have made four years ago at the onset of this, changes that would have allowed him to perhaps see Anna graduate from high school.
Every one of you, look into your mirror and take a long look at the person you see. Look around you at all of the people who's lives you touch every day. Look at your children, at your parents, at your husband or your wife and think about how terrible it would be to lose any one of them. Think of how you would grieve them, mourn their loss, miss them every day. Imagine holidays and birthdays and graduations and weddings without them. No more trick or treating, no more trips to the range, no more silly jokes, no more hugs, no more... life.
Now, put yourself in their shoes and know how your death will affect them.
Don't do to them what is happening here.
Mamamontezz
Posted by Mamamontezz at March 8, 2006 06:01 PM | TrackBackMamamontezz,
Does he believe he deserves to live and be healthier? Sometimes we sabotage ourselves because we don't believe we deserve better. And all the love in the world from the outside can't make a person love himself inside. Only he can do that.
Delfts, if you don't believe right now that you deserve to live, then believe your family and friends until you can believe it yourself; use their belief as a crutch to do what you need to do to live.
I worked with someone once who was really a jerk (really). He got cancer. After he came back to work, as several of us were sitting in a meeting room waiting for others to arrive, he said "you know, it is when you seem to have the least control of your life that you realize how much control you really have." He was still a jerk, but it is true.
It isn't that eating healthy and exercising deprive you. It is that they can save you. And you deserve to save yourself.
If you give up salt, you will develop an appreciation for how food really tastes (I've had to do it and it's true). If you give up caffeine, you will sleep better and wake up sooner. And so on. And you will live longer.
Life is good. Live it and enjoy it. Don't die before you're dead and please don't give death an early invitation in.
Don't do it for your family. Do it for you.
Grandma Jo
Posted by: Grandma_Jo at March 8, 2006 06:44 PMDelfts (& Mama M),
Look at it as a pathway to Ultimate Studliness! :)
And I would definitely take up Darth Bacon's offer of healthy, but tasty, recipes.
And yes.....LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE! (Speaking for my husband, lol)
Posted by: Lady Heather at March 8, 2006 10:35 PMThanks for the update on how you're doing, Mama.
How's Delftsman doing?
Posted by: the Humble Devildog at March 8, 2006 11:10 PMThanks for the update Lila, I'm saddened to hear the sad state of Bert's heart. You're so right about the lifestyle changes he'll have to make to live on. I live with restrictions everyday, no matter how well intentioned they may be or from whom they may come, Bert has to say no to food being offered that he knows is bad for him.
Bert, it's not easy to know that your condition is not going to get any better, but you can improve what you have. My wife and daughter think I'm going to starve to death if I miss a meal, Bull----! I monitor and regulate my own bloodsugar, my own food intake, quantities and qualities of food and the exercise I get, it's all under my control. Its a constant battle of medication and regulation that I normally lose, but 3 to 4 times a day I get a sobering dose of reality, it keeps me honest. Yes I've spent some time in the ER, most unpleasant too. It's too damn easy to die, so do this for not only yourself but for those who love and depend on you. I getting too preachy so get well soon my friend. You are loved!!!
Posted by: Jack at March 9, 2006 12:15 PMDelfts ,
You have no choice but to change your habits ,a little of the things you like .It beats the alternative and we all want you around for a long time ...Its only 11 months till the next FLorida Rott Fest we want to see you...there
Mama M
You are an amazing lady. Your tough love at this point is the best thing you can do for him. Men are so damn stubborn when it comes to their health. I had an argument with my spouse, who is 43, last night about taking care of himself better. But, because he works out regularly he doesn't feel he has to watch his diet or see a doctor at least once a year. It makes me so mad. He has high blood pressure, but feels that its not a big deal. I've invested 21 years of my "youth" in him and damn well resent the attitude. You'll be in my prayers Ma'am. You take care and tell your husband to deal with the reality he had a hand in creating. God bless both of you.
What a precious and awesome family you have Bert. I know why they love you and now after meeting them in this way I see why you love them. You are a very lucky man to have such a great family.
I was reading about one of our soldiers that lost one of his legs. He has tons of therapy to go through and he did an interview with Sean Hannity. He said he wants to go back again and help with his troop to finish the job.
Bert, I brought that up because he is not giving up. And I don't want you to give up either. He may not have to do what you do, giving up lots of goodies and smoking etc. But both of you will be overcoming hurdles that so many of us have not had to do. But also many others have done in their lives. Each day will be a hill you will take in your battle to live and be better. I believe in you Bert,I know you can do this.
We all think we are never going to have anything happen to us. Some people never get a warning, never get a chance to make changes for the better. This is fantastic that you do get this chance and that is a positive thing. And you have such an awesome team with you.
I am probably older then you are so take this from an old broad. You are loved, so please oh please think hard about doing these changes and then do them. Then we can have tons of laughs and fight the good fight against the terrorists as bloggers buddies into forever.
Bert my friend, it ain't as bad as you think it will be. hell man, I had to change my lifestyle years ago to about what you are going to have to do. No smokes, no booze, none of the pleasures (or what I used to think were the pleasures) of life. But I found out that there is a lot more to living the rich food, booze, smoking, and the vices that were about to kill me. At least I didn't have to give up singin! But I still enjy life-probably even more than I used to because it is more precious to me now. Hang tough and live. I still plan on you making the trip down and going fishing with me.
Posted by: GUYK at March 10, 2006 02:23 PMWell said. Well said. Damn, well said, Mama. Love to you and yours.
Posted by: ZiPpo at March 11, 2006 08:13 AM