April 21, 2006

Just a Little Humor

To get things started, here's a little humor I found in my mailbox... I hope you enjoy them like I did.

My Private Part Died Today!

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if
there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I
am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like
that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!

"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."


A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone.

He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I
like most ----- cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said


Subject: : USAF 2007 sight plan

Swearing at work

Dear Co-workers:

It has been brought to SECAF's attention that some individuals

throughout the Air Force have been using foul language during the course

of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily

offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to

accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have

been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and Information can

continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD FO: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.



When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a
Box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon
of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted
the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and
$81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed Now that she knew what
was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a
box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special
anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my
promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the
temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do
you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am
very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are
addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that
bad considering your problem"

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their
peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all
that money in the box?"

Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took
them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash

Posted by Delftsman3 at April 21, 2006 04:46 PM | TrackBack

I had a pretty good chuckle from "Beertits". So I stole it. :)

Posted by: Dave S. at April 24, 2006 06:25 PM

Dave, your more than welcome to "steal" anything you wish. The greatest thing about blogging is to be able to spread information and/or a chuckle or two to the greatest number of people possible!

Posted by: delftsman3 at April 25, 2006 03:08 PM
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