January 30, 2007
Yet Another Heavenly Joke
Three men stood at St. Peter's Gate. awaiting admission to heaven--A Catholic priest,a Baptist minister, and a Charismatic preacher. St. Peter checked his roster and said, "Oh, I'm sorry gentlemen,your quarters are not ready yet. Tell you what I'll do" --
and he got on the phone with Satan and asked if he could accomodate them down there untill their quarters were ready in Heaven. Satan reluctantly agreed.
However at the end of their second day in Hell, Satan contacted St. Peter, saying, "You HAVE GOT to come get these guys---The Catholic is forgiving everybody; the Baptist is saving every one, and the Charismatic has already raised enough money for air conditioning!."
H/T to my Mother-in-Law
The Beer Prayer
Now Catfish has been known to quaff a few brews now and again....in fact religiously, but I never thought it was a TRUE religious piety until he sent me this:
Which art in barrels
Hallowed by they drink
Thy will be drunk
(As I will be drunk)
At home as in the tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer
The bitter and the lager
For ever and ever
Barmen
January 27, 2007
Origins.....
I found this at A Soldiers Perspective and thought it really should be given the widest viewing possible, so without furthur blather from me, here is:
When God created a United States Marine, it was into the sixth day of overtime. An angel appeared and said, “You’re having a lot of trouble with this one. What’s wrong with the standard model?”
And the Lord replied, “Have you seen the specs on this order? It has to be able to think independently, yet be able to take orders; have the qualities of both a military mind and a compassionate heart; be a leader of junior Marines and learn from seniors; run on black coffee; handle critical ops without a Military Procedure Manual; be able to manage a difficult subordinate, an irate supervisor and a demanding OIC; have the patience of a saint and six pairs of hands, not to mention the strength of three its size.” The angel shook her head slowly and said, “Six pairs of hands - no way!”
And the Lord answered, “Don’t worry, we’ll make other Marines to help. Besides, it’s not the hands which are causing the problem. It’s the heart. It must swell with pride when other Marines do well, sustain the incredible hardship of combat, beat on soundly when it’s too tired to do so, and be strong enough to continue to carry on when he’s given all he’s had.”
“Lord,” said the angel touching the Lord’s sleeve gently, “Come to bed!”
“I can’t,” said the Lord. “I’m so close to creating something unique. Already I have one who can complete a 26-mile forced march with full pack, handle a 9mm and an M16 with astounding accuracy, conduct land navigation in the dark, and operate field communications.”
The angel circled the model of the Marine very slowly. “It’s too serious,” she sighed.
“But tough,” said the Lord excitedly, “You cannot imagine what this Marine can do or endure.”
“Can it feel?” asked the angel.
“Can it feel!” replied the Lord. “It loves the Corps and country like no other!”
Finally the angel bent over and ran her finger across the Marine’s cheek. “There’s a leak,” she pronounced. “I told you you’re trying to put too much into this model.”
“That’s not a leak,” said the Lord. “That’s a tear.”
“What’s it for?” asked the angel.
“It’s for joy, sadness, disappointment, frustration, pain, loneliness and pride.”
“You’re a genius!” exclaimed the angel.
The Lord looked at her somberly and replied, “I didn’t put it there.”
Old Woman's Lament
Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The cakes and the pies, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt
I said to myself, as I only can -
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So, away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll only chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Sure sounds like ME, Catfish.........other than the gender.
One Great Car....
Dear Friends,
I bought a new 2007 Cadillac and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
Watch this!" he said, "Nelson!" The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie", he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind"
replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles,"
I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but as I swerved to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass Holes!" Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
Damn, I LOVE this car!!! If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a vet.
H/T to Catfish
January 23, 2007
January 18, 2007
Hmmmmm Now I remember WHY I like Italian...
This is the hostess for an Italian afternoon T.V. talk show...
And this is the hostess for an American morning T.V. talk show...
To enroll in your nearest language school to learn Italian, call:
A Very Cold Skunk
Frozen Skunk:
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold
night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road,
and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its little nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used
to beat him with died at the scene.
Yet Another Blond Joke
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk,
takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here
by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
"Quagmire", and other lies
Do you know?
I didn't know!
How could we?
Did you know that 47 countries' have reestablished their embassies in Iraq?
Did you know that the Iraqi government currently employs 1.2 million Iraqi people?
Did you know that 3100 schools have been renovated,
364 schools are under rehabilitation,
263 new schools are now under construction
and 38 new schools have been completed in Iraq?
Did you know that Iraq's higher educational structure consists of 20 Universities,
46 Institutes or colleges and 4 research centers,
all currently operating?
Did you know that 25 Iraq students departed for the United States in January 2005 for the re-established Fulbright program?
Did you know that the Iraqi Navy is operational?
They have 5 - 100-foot patrol craft, 34 smaller vessels and a naval infantry regiment.
Did you know that Iraq's Air Force consists of three operational squadrons,
which includes 9 reconnaissance and 3 US C-130 transport aircraft
(under Iraqi operational control) which operate day and night, and will soon add 16 UH-1 helicopters and 4 Bell Jet Rangers?
Did you know that Iraq has a counter-terrorist unit and a Commando Battalion?
Did you know that the Iraqi Police Service has over 55,000
fully trained and equipped police officers?
Did you know that there are 5 Police Academies in Iraq
that produce over 3500 new officers each 8 weeks?
Did you know there are more than 1100 building projects going on in Iraq?
They include 364 schools, 67 public clinics, 15 hospitals, 83 railroad stations,
22 oil facilities, 93 water facilities and 69 electrical facilities.
Did you know that 96% of Iraqi children under the age of 5
have received the first 2 series of polio vaccinations?
Did you know that 4.3 million Iraqi children were enrolled in primary school by mid October?
Did you know that there are 1,192,000 cell phone subscribers in Iraq
and phone use has gone up 158%?
Did you know that Iraq has an independent media that consists of 75 radio stations, 180 newspapers and 10 television stations?
Did you know that the Baghdad Stock Exchange opened in June of 2004?
Did you know that 2 candidates in the Iraqi presidential election had a televised debate recently?
OF COURSE WE DIDN'T KNOW!
WHY DIDN'T WE KNOW?
OUR MEDIA WOULDN'T TELL US!
Instead of reflecting our love for our country,
we get photos of flag burning incidents at Abu Ghraib
and people throwing snowballs at the presidential motorcades.
Tragically, the lack of accentuating the positive in Iraq serves two purposes:
It is intended to undermine the world's perception of the United States
thus minimizing consequent support,
and it is intended to discourage American citizens.
---- Above facts are verifiable on the Department of Defense web site.
January 08, 2007
Asses & Assholes
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
So they then decided they'd both walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye!
H/T to Catfish
Delftsman3