April 03, 2005
The Mammogram
I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm
Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear,
tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step
into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this
gown. Everything clearrrr?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda . try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes
a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than
60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything
nice....it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over
a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in
a tad so we can get everything?"
Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why
not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me
off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other
boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we
heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
"What?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed
for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I
shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ... the door's
wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt
backkkk."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly
how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me,
half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part
smashed between glass! After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going"
type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd
been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and
making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said.
"Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot
about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps........