Courtesy of Strange Cosmos, Job Descriptions in the Real World:
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in
a way you don't understand.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells
you the time.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he
predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that
decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
(Laurence J. Peter)
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat
which isn't there.
(Charles R. Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee
cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a
"brief."
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl
enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked
children.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.