September 24, 2005

Open letter to the Cat

Every cat owner wil be able to relate to at least portions of this exercise in inter-species communication by Mamamontezz:

Dear Cat,

We need to talk.

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two cats in the way. The dishes with
the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are
mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I
fallfaster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping; they can actually curl
up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space used is nothing but feline sarcasm.

My compact discs are not toys for you and your friends to play with.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, and try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years
and I know that feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough. It should be such a simple change for you.


I just live here.

Posted by Delftsman3 at September 24, 2005 08:48 PM | TrackBack

Now if this letter actually works for anything other than helping you feel better let me know. Cats.... *sigh*

Posted by: Alli at September 25, 2005 01:38 AM

Ditto what Alli said. My two psychotic cats were reading this letter over my shoulder this morning and as they sauntered off as only cat's can do, Diamond said to Emma, "That'll be the day." At least that is what I think that meow meant.

Posted by: GM Roper at September 26, 2005 07:34 AM

The best thing you could do, is just punt the cats into the neighbors' yard.

Posted by: Dave S. at September 28, 2005 04:28 PM
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