December 23, 2006

Nip & Tuck

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some Cosmetic
surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory,
because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped
out fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six
children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck
there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed
kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses
at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit
confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse; "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went
so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a
success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the
first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"

"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just
wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

Delftsman3

H/T to Catfish

Posted by Erin at December 23, 2006 06:05 PM | TrackBack
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In the sky a huge sign appeared, replacing the catalogue number. It said, Whatever your tastes, Magrathea can cater for you. We are not proud. “Ah, well the lights had probably gone.” “Alright,” said Marvin, “what do you want me to do?” It is possible that her remark would have commanded greater attention had it been generally realized that human beings were only the third most intelligent life form present on the planet Earth, instead of (as was generally thought by most independent observers) the second. “Yes,” he agreed with Arthur, “no light.” He helped Arthur to some peanuts. “How do you feel?” he asked. There followed a long period of painstaking research during which he visited all the major centres of biro loss throughout the galaxy and eventually came up with a quaint little theory which quite caught the public imagination at the time. Somewhere in the cosmos, he said, along with all the planets inhabited by humanoids, reptiloids, fishoids, walking treeoids and superintelligent shades of the colour blue, there was also a planet entirely given over to biro life forms. And it was to this planet that unattended biros would make their way, slipping away quietly through wormholes in space to a world where they knew they could enjoy a uniquely biroid lifestyle, responding to highly biro-oriented stimuli, and generally leading the biro equivalent of the good life. “Recognize that?” whispered Zaphod. “She's not asking you to enjoy it,” he shouted, “just do it will you?” “We're in the Horsehead Nebula. One whole vast dark cloud.” “The Dentrassi?” whispered Arthur. “We only ever had the one sun at home,” persevered Arthur, “I came from a planet called Earth you know.” “The Universe...!” said Loonquawl. “Zaphod,” he drawled, “great to see you, you're looking well, the extra arm suits you. Nice ship you've stolen.” Five wild Event Maelstroms swirled in vicious storms of unreason and spewed up a pavement. With an ingratiating little whine the door slit open again and Marvin stomped through. “My name is not important,” he said. “Oh yes sir, so you said,” said the barman, looking over his glasses this time at Arthur. “Lucky escape for Arsenal if it did.” “No.” “Don't worry,” said Ford, “they haven't started yet.”
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