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I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

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The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

I am not young enough to know everything.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

I am not young enough to know everything.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

I am not young enough to know everything.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Why don't you write books people can read?

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

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