Here's some old ones but good ones to help brighten your day.
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini-van with two flat tires..
________________________________
An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect... Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
________________________________
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
________________________________
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
_________________________________
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
________________________________
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ...
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
________________________________
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
________________________________
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
________________________________
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
________________________________
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'arthritis.'
__________________________________________________
Remember, A smile a day keeps depression away; live every day as if it were your last, it just MAY be !
As my mother always tells me, aging isn't for whimps!
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have you ever Been Financially Impacted through The Oil Spill?
have you ever already skilled monetary losses as a result Gulf Oil Spill? The Oil Spill disaster, often called the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, unfolding inside the Gulf is anticipated to purpose one of the most worst environmental calamities in US background and i inflicting an epidemic of economic loss claims.
citizens of the gulf coast on no account idea that they might be going through a catastrophe like this till the tale broke concerning the unfortunate oil spill. previously they knew it, enterprise owners, house owner, and affected occupations have been feeling an important fiscal influence. some folks even misplaced there comprehensive profits.
hundreds of commercial, house owner and cleanup employees are liable to devastating fiscal injury and physical injury. those comprise those all for the commercial fishing, tourism, lodge and excursion, condominium/time percentage, fish processing, cannery working, seafood restaurant industries.
enterprises that rely on the Gulf of Mexico might in finding that they lose earnings a result of oil spill. in line with the new York occasions (04/30/10), fishermen in Louisiana have been advised the shrimp season, which usually runs from may to December, has been suspended. Now, a few fishermen will have to find work helping to scrub up the oil spill.
moreover fishermen, delivery companies, resorts, lodges, cruise liners and other organizations might possibly be severely laid low with the oil spill. owner of a house may additionally have a claim in opposition to BP if their property is broken via the oil spill.
a few studies recommend that the oil and destroy from the oil spill may spread added south and east, into the car.
"a category action Lawsuit Has Been Filed and you'll Be Entitled compensation"
BP, until now British Petroleum, is answerable for monetary, physical, and financial damages relating to this catastrophe based on the Oil pollution Act of 19 and different regulations.
now's the time to act and begin filing your declare. there is restrained time, and to ensure you are component to the class movement it is advisable act quicky.
Are You Eligible To document A declare?
every affected financially from people, commercial enterprise house owners, home owner, the us govt, and others financially impacted by way of the disaster. This even includes folks who experienced injuries due to the oil spill.
What forms of Claims might possibly be Submitted?
Claims for removal expenses, genuine or personal assets ruin, lack of revenue and incomes means, lack of government salary, check of increased public services, and normal aid ruin are all possible claims.
for most residents the adjustment caused by the spill had been very highly-priced. again, as soon as a class movement suit is filed there's only a limited period of time to sign up. you may record your declare here formerly its too late. All it's essential to do is fill out a straightforward form that takes approximately 1 minute and you'll be contacted via the folks that you must consult with which will file your claim.
BP is predicted to pay out millions in damages to folks and business's affected by this bad catastrophe.
when you been affected, make sure to keep on with the steps less than to make your declare towards BP.
Step 1
go to this link, fill out a easy on line variety and hit put up on the BP gulf oil spill middle
Step 2
Wait to be contacted by way of the Oil Spill Claims middle.
Step 3
Wait to receive your claims verify.
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Posted by: Terry Glaue at April 30, 2011 04:07 PMBP Oil Spill declare - the best way to Get reimbursement From BP Oil Spill Incident
twentieth April 2010 was a terrible day for British Petroleum (BP). This oil and gasoline massive has been forced to admit its mistake in causing the Deepwater Horizon disaster and now this business enterprise is taking its responsibility to compensate all the laborers and commercial enterprise homeowners for the loss of earnings, wages and profits. Being probably the most sufferers of this incident, what should you do to get your compensation?
to start with, you must find out regardless of whether you are really eligible for the BP declare. normally, BP has grouped the reimbursement into three categories, i.e. lack of income claims, assets spoil claims and bodily injury claims. Which one do you fall below? next, you must prepare the related information to reinforce your declare. I actually have summarized the necessary data as lower than:
1) For lack of revenue - you must supply your pay stubs for the earlier 2 months and the W-2 bureaucracy for two when you're an employee. related CoverageGet started out in submitting a BP Oil Spill ClaimThe Deepwater Horizon catastrophe is a terrible incident for many people. In total, there have been 25000 barrels of oil poured into the Gulf of Mexico day-after-day. Being the accountable get together lower than the Oil pollution Act of 19, BP is required to pay all the quintessential compensation for the sufferers of the incidents. those that suffered damages from this catastrophe are allowed to say their losses thus. in most cases, there are 3 foremost categories of claims:BP Oil Spill declare :data at the catastrophe in the Gulf of mexicoIncidents equivalent to this could function a reminder on how the exploration for oil might turn into a catastrophic eventBP Oil Claims - learn how to record Your BP Oil declare Correctly20th April 2010 is an unforgettable date for many folks. Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill killed 11 people on that day. in line with the Reuters information report, for this reason incident, 25000 barrels of oil have been poured into the Gulf of Mexico on daily basis. Many industries including fishing, tourism, oil extraction, and so on had been badly tormented by the Deepwater Horizon disaster. What can the sufferers of this incident do to regain their losses? they are able to report a BP claim.Filing your Oil Spill ClaimsMany humans have been suffering from the Oil Spill brought on by BP and that i you're anyone who nonetheless bargains with this hindrance, you then will need to document your claims ASAP, for you'll get support immediately!However, when you're a commercial enterprise owner, it's essential to end up your profit and loss statement for two.
two) for pro break - it's good to supply the distinctive information regarding your asset
3) For bodily damage - it's essential put up your scientific costs and letters from hospitals
After collecting the necessary data, it is time in an effort to publish your declare kind. The submission might possibly be finished with the aid of cyber web or through cellphone calls. the two approaches make it easier to reach BP declare place of job readily. i will percentage with you the professional of filing claim on line.
Step 1: go to the legit site of BP. you can see it with ease via appearing straight forward seek.
Step 2: entire the net style by using providing all the fundamental understanding like you full name, handle, touch number, career, social safeguard variety, the situation of loss (if any), and so forth.
Step 3: submit the declare style and await the response from BP claim place of work.
Step four: The consultant from BP declare place of work will contact you inside of 3-4 days to verify your declare
Step 5: you are going to be receiving your intervening time cost after the BP adjuster has evaluated your losses
Step 6: the overall check can be made to you after an intensive research is completed.
you may be dealing with all the strategy as what I actually have talked about above. Frankly speaking, most people will are paying complete attention on BP to ask for reimbursement. in truth, there are different events who are able to grant fiscal suggestions to you. in your information, folks and organizations who are suffering from this Oil Spill catastrophe can reap Federal assistance to overcome their monetary hardships. presently, there are a few varieties of monetary guidance offered by the federal government inclusive of foodstuff programs, enterprise catastrophe loans, unemployment insurance coverage, and so on.
Being the victims of this incident is unfortunate but don't worry, lifestyles might be improved soon.
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